We\u2019ve just completed the season\u2019s graduation party circuit.\u00a0 I enjoy these rites of passage. The garage is cleaned up, all the stuff hidden away somewhere.\u00a0 The young man or woman is on their best behavior, trying out this new adult-thing.\u00a0 The parents flit about, looking harried, making sure there is enough fruit salad.<\/p>\n
There is one set of parents who look particularly jittery.\u00a0 Those are the soon-to-be empty nesters.\u00a0 The last kid is leaving home!<\/p>\n
A couple of decades of care and feeding of children is about to end.\u00a0 According to Wikipedia, \u201csymptoms of empty nest syndrome can include depression, a sense of loss of purpose, feelings of rejection, or worry, stress, and anxiety over the child’s welfare.\u201d\u00a0 Oh my. That almost makes you wish you had another kid.<\/p>\n
We have several friends in this precarious emotional place in their lives.\u00a0 Our tail-ender graduated three years ago.\u00a0 Pam and I had to endure this treacherous ordeal, and we survived.\u00a0 We\u2019re even married yet.<\/p>\n
That is enough to make us experts.\u00a0 So, as a public service, Pam and I are going to be offering Empty Nester\u2019s Camp this summer.\u00a0 You can sign up through Sleepy Eye Community Ed.<\/p>\n
Many of you spent a short time with your new spouse before a baby moved in.\u00a0 Those years with just the two of you are a distant, smoky memory.\u00a0 At Empty Nester\u2019s Camp, we\u2019ll start up the process of getting to know your spouse again.<\/p>\n
Men, you\u2019re going to find your wife has grown in many ways.\u00a0 She is enlightened, self-reflective, and sophisticated in many ways.\u00a0 She has matured emotionally and grown spiritually.\u00a0 This may come as a surprise to some of you.<\/p>\n
Women, you\u2019ll find your husband\u2019s pretty much the same slob you married thirty years ago.\u00a0 This may come as a surprise to some of you.<\/p>\n
At this point of Empty Nesters Camp, we are going to break up the husbands and wives and talk to them separately:<\/p>\n
Fellows, step over here.\u00a0 Guys, I know what you\u2019re all thinking: \u201cThe kids are gone.\u00a0 We can have sex anytime we want!\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re just saying you may need to lower your expectations just a bit.<\/p>\n
Alright, wives, over here.\u00a0 Ladies, we know what you\u2019re thinking: \u201cThe kids are gone.\u00a0 We can get all those fix-up projects done around the house!\u00a0 Every room can get painted and all the furniture can get rearranged!\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re just saying you may need to lower your expectations just a bit.<\/p>\n
Okay, let\u2019s get everybody back together now.\u00a0 There are positives about sending the last kid packing.\u00a0 One of them is not waiting up at night worrying about them.\u00a0 Those sleepless nights wondering what kind of trouble they are in are hard on parents.\u00a0 Now they will be off at college, spending their evenings studying, reading assigned books, and writing essays.\u00a0 Just keep that image in your head.\u00a0 Try not to think about your own first year in college, partying, avoiding arrest, and sleeping through first hour class.<\/p>\n
Another positive for empty nesters is you can have the TV again.\u00a0 No more hours of Disney Channel and Animal Planet.\u00a0 Some things have changed since you brought the first baby home and turned on Barney.\u00a0 You now have 500 channels.\u00a0 There\u2019s still nothing on.<\/p>\n
You won\u2019t have to have Oreos, Nacho Cheese-Flavored Doritos, and cookie-dough ice cream on hand to feed hordes of teenagers who descend on the house.\u00a0 You can stock the kitchen with fresh fruits and vegetables, raw nuts, and whole grain pasta.\u00a0 (Of course, each of you will sneak Doritos on your way home from work.\u00a0 But you don\u2019t have to tell your spouse.\u00a0 Unless they ask what those orange crumbs on the car seat are.\u00a0 If they ask, go with plausible deniability.)<\/p>\n
You won\u2019t have to hide the vodka bottle.\u00a0 No more worrying about your minor taking out half the vodka and replacing it with water.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, you can just let the bottle set out on the cupboard.\u00a0 What the heck, throw a jigger in your orange juice.\u00a0 You\u2019ve earned it.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve been parenting, you\u2019ve probably had some combination of goldfish\/canary\/gerbil\/hamster\/guinea pig in the house.\u00a0 At some point, one of your kids wanted one of these dear creatures \u201cmore than anything in the world!\u201d\u00a0 If you\u2019re fortunate, the demise of these pets coincides with the departure of your last kid from home.\u00a0 If you are not so lucky, please resist the temptation to induce such a demise.\u00a0 Better to find a niece or nephew who wants a pet more than anything in the world.<\/p>\n
As part of reclaiming your life as an empty nester, you can look forward to new hobbies.\u00a0 You\u2019re still you\u2019ve got some good years left in you.\u00a0 Plus, you\u2019ve raised your kids; you aren\u2019t quite so needed any more.\u00a0 You can take some risks.\u00a0 That is why Pam has taken up base jumping and I am doing cliff diving.\u00a0 These are not things we would have done when the burden of child-rearing rested on our shoulders.<\/p>\n
We need to warn you about something here.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get too comfortable with your quieter, cleaner house.\u00a0 This generation of kids is known as the Boomerang Generation.\u00a0 They might be back.\u00a0 You can change the locks, but they probably know how to get in one of the ground floor windows.\u00a0 The only fool-proof way to prevent boomeranging is to move and not tell them.\u00a0 We\u2019re not recommending that but be prepared.<\/p>\n
There will be a lot less drama in your empty nest-house.\u00a0 No more hearing about the cool kids, the geeks, the bullies, the jocks, the teachers who don\u2019t like them, the former girlfriend\/boyfriend who didn\u2019t understand them, and the current girlfriend\/boyfriend who doesn\u2019t understand them?\u00a0 You might find yourself missing all the drama of the teen years. If so, go rent a couple seasons of \u201cLost\u201d and \u201cTwin Peaks.\u201d<\/p>\n
When the last kid leaves this fall, you might find yourself actually missing the buggers.\u00a0 If so, we recommend the purchase of a Teenage Noise Machine.\u00a0 You can get one on Amazon.\u00a0 Turn that on for a few hours each day as you wean yourself from kids in the house.\u00a0 The Teenage Noise Machine will play music that is ear-wrenchingly awful.\u00a0 When you ask it to do something, it will make various grunting sounds.\u00a0 Once a day it will tell you that their friends get to stay out later, so why can\u2019t they.<\/p>\n
After completing Empty Nesters Camp, you will receive a certificate from Community Ed that says you are ready to face this new phase in life.\u00a0 Enjoy it before the grandkids show up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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